You gave the warning; it was time to go.
You found the shoes. Filled the water bottle. Packed the bag. Asked everyone to use the bathroom. And somehow, when it is finally time to leave, someone needs a snack, someone can’t find the toy they suddenly cannot live without, and someone has apparently forgotten how pants work.
This article is sponsored by the Achievement Center of LECOM Health.
Looking for more support for your child or family?
Project LAUNCH connects Erie County families with helpful resources, information and local support for young children and the people who care for them. Explore resources at ErieLAUNCH.org.
If everyday transitions bring out big feelings in your child, and maybe a few big feelings in you, too—you are not alone.
Stopping play, getting dressed, leaving the playground, heading to school, or starting the bedtime routine can be hard for young children. And when something that seems like it should take five minutes turns into a 30-minute negotiation, it can test even the calmest parent or caregiver.
Understanding why transitions are hard will not make every morning magically smooth. But it can help you respond differently and maybe give yourself a little more grace along the way.
Why Are Transitions So Hard?
Kids tend to do better when they know what is coming next and predictable routines often help them feel safe and prepared.
A transition requires children to stop one thing, change their focus and start something new, sometimes very quickly.
Handling change, shifting their attention, and managing feelings are all skills that young children are still learning. That is a lot of work for a growing brain.
And sometimes the explanation is even simpler: They were having fun.
You see bedtime.
Your 4-year-old sees the end of the greatest LEGO creation ever built.
Hunger, tiredness and strong emotions can make transitions harder, too. Some children may also have more difficulty with change because of ADHD, autism, anxiety or sensory processing differences.
The behavior may look similar, but the reason behind it can be different.
For some kids, they communicate their struggles by whining, negotiating, avoiding, getting distracted or refusing. For others, it may turn into a tantrum or full meltdown.
The important thing to remember is this:
Your child may not be trying to make the transition hard for you.
The transition may actually be hard for them.
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Look at What May Be Happening Underneath
When the same transition keeps going badly, look for patterns.
Is your child hungry?
Are they tired?
Are they leaving something they really enjoy?
Are they worried about what comes next?
Are they overwhelmed by noise, crowds, or activity?
Sometimes it is more than one thing.
The child refusing to leave the water slides may be having the best day of their life. They may also be hungry, exhausted, hot, and running almost entirely on blue slushie.
That combination does not usually lead to excellent decision-making.
Understanding what may be driving the reaction can help you decide what support might make the transition easier.
You do not have to figure it all out alone.
Project LAUNCH supports the social, emotional, cognitive, physical and behavioral well-being of Erie County’s youngest children—and their caregivers.
5 Ways to Make Transitions a Little Easier
1. Give a heads-up
Kids often do better when they know a transition is coming.
Try:
“In 10 minutes, we are going to clean up and get ready for bed.”
Some children may need another reminder at five minutes and two minutes.
Visual timers can also help. Young children do not always understand what “five more minutes” really means. Seeing time pass can make it easier to understand.
And yes, there will still be days when you gave every warning known to humankind and your child acts completely shocked that bedtime has arrived.
Keep going.
2. Keep directions simple
Try short “first, then” phrases:
“First, we put away the LEGO. Then we brush our teeth.”
Or:
“First shoes. Then car.”
Breaking a transition into smaller steps can make it feel less overwhelming.
It also saves you from giving a 12-step speech that everyone stopped listening to somewhere around Step 3.
3. Give choices, but keep the limit
Choices can give children a sense of control.
Instead of:
“Are you ready to clean up?”
Try:
“Let’s clean up. Do you want to put away your LEGO or your books first?”
Cleaning up is still happening. Your child simply gets some say in how it happens.
4. Name the feeling
It is okay for your child to be disappointed.
You can say:
“I know you were having fun. It is hard to stop when you are enjoying yourself.”
You are not saying:
“Never mind. We now live at the playground.”
You are helping your child understand what they are feeling while keeping the limit in place.
Over time, that can help children learn to manage emotions more successfully.
5. Tell them what comes next
Knowing what comes after the transition can make change feel more predictable.
Try:
“After we put our shoes on, we are going to Grandma’s house.”
Or:
“After bath, we will put on pajamas and read a book.”
For some children, a simple visual schedule or checklist can help, too.
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Parents and Caregivers, Give Yourself Some Grace Too
Patience and consistency matter.
But consistency does not mean perfection.
Sometimes you will remember the countdown.
Sometimes you will offer the perfect choice.
Sometimes you will calmly say, “I know leaving is hard.”
And sometimes you will look at the clock and realize everyone should have been in the car eight minutes ago.
You are human, too.
Transitions can be stressful because you are often managing much more than the transition itself. You may be trying to get to work, get another child to school, make an appointment, start dinner or simply get everyone into pajamas before the entire household falls apart.
It is okay to admit that these moments can be hard for you, too.
Children are still learning how to stop something they love, manage disappointment and move on to what comes next.
And you are learning how to help them do it.
Neither of you needs to get it right every time.
Some days, leaving the playground will go surprisingly well.
Other days, you may carry a shoeless child to the car while holding three water bottles and wondering how this became your life.
Both days count.
Some days you’re amazing. Some days you’re amazed you made it through. Both count.
Project LAUNCH works across Erie County to support the social, emotional, cognitive, physical and behavioral well-being of young children and the people who care for them. Families can find resources, information and connections to support at ErieLAUNCH.org.
Dr. Sallie Richards is a licensed psychologist at Achievement Center of LECOM Health, where she works with children and families navigating behavioral, emotional and developmental needs.
